So appreciative that T (Dad) was willing to keep up w/DNSN for days 5, 6 and 7 while I was out of town! And everyone survived!
As T mentioned, we are planning to have a family meeting tonight to talk about the week. In preparation for that I think it is important to summarize my observations. I don't plan to talk about all of these with the kids -- but this is more to help us plan our timeline for training. I am really interested to hear what the kids thought about the week.
General Observations of Daily Routines: What ain't broke, but needs noticing and appreciation!
1-5) The morning routine is tight! The kids get themselves up, dressed, make/eat breakfast, make lunch/snacks and get out to the bus on time
6) Both kids are committed to homework and make a point of getting it done at the agreed time - immediately after school
7) M is highly motivated to do his daily reading -- and will do so w/o prompting and read longer than normal
8) M did cat litter and garbage without reminding
9) Both kids to bed before 8:30 pm every night except Saturday
10) Loaded breakfast dishes directly into dish washer one day
What needs some improvement/introduction/training:
1) hair generally doesn't get brushed - problematic/painful after a few days
2) not sure teeth are getting brushed in the morning
3) not sure M uses his inhaler consistently
4) money for milk or pizza is not always remembered
5) kids learning to keep track of their own schedule and homework assignments - when longer term assignments are due
6) cleaning up dishes - getting them in dishwasher and putting away food items after eating - understanding/learning how to load dishwasher
7) learning how to make pancakes! both K & M are very excited about this!
8) unloading backpack, lunch bag and getting everything hung up and put away
9) dealing with papers - where they go, what to hang on to, what to recycle, what to file
10) consistently putting dirty laundry where it belongs
11) doing laundry - sorting, washing, drying, folding, putting away
12) getting toys away consistently
13) getting contributions done consistently w/out being reminded
14) K daily reading needs to be more consistent
15) wiping counter / table after eating or making lunch
16) cooking - microwaving reheats or making meals from scratch
17) left on their own, that generally do not take a bath/shower
18) left on their own, they do some mildly destructive things - shooting nurf darts in the family room, jumping on furniture
19) generally there is at least 15-20 minutes of talking before settling down once in bed
20) cats missed getting fed
21) getting lights turned out
What feelings I noticed:
-the kids have so many really good habits, particularly the morning routine
-I get crazy when the house is a pit, particularly the kitchen counter and kitchen table
-I am bothered by toys in the kitchen/eating area
-the kids only seem bothered by the mess if they don't have room for what they want to do next OR if it some how disrupts their relationship with me
-waste disturbs me - sour milk, etc.
-need a way to ask them to stop something / to do something that is respectful "would you be willing to...", but particularly with an urgent/necessary request like -- "please don't touch the wet paint"
-I pick up after the kids way more than I think I did - not anymore!
-I have a hard time watching hungry kitties
-very impressed with how serious M is about his homework - asking/reprimanding friends and asking adult strangers to be quiet so he can work
-Not proud of it, but I can be a passive aggressive - shaking the kitty dish, trying to get M to notice or being tempted to dump water all over their papers to get their attention
-I get frustrated/angry and then I threaten or I'm tempted to threaten - I think I was fooling myself into believing that some of these threats were natural consequences - almost always they are not
-K's hen pecking me for attention is much reduced, but still happens, usually at the most stressful time for me or other members of the family
-no tv watching in the morning = on time for bus (or at least there seems to be a pattern)
Evolving Contributions
We are planning to expand / re-work how we do contributions. We really started the kids out w/just a few about 10 months ago and they are clearly ready for more. This morning when we came down they were unloading the dishwasher by themselves -- no prompting for us. This seems like a great contribution we can add to their list! The way we've done contributions in the past hasn't worked perfectly - we had the same ones assigned to the same child all the time and they weren't necessarily daily -- so there was a lot of forgetting or not noticing they needed to be done. Now we are going to embrace a method closer to what Vicki recommends. T and I will make a list of contributions that need to be done -- ideally at least 2 a day (one morning, one evening) for each family member. Each task should be no more than 10 min long -- and ideally no more than 5 min long. Each week at the family meeting we will each draw 2 out. Everyone will rotate and get more experience -- and everyone will have something to do every morning and night -- so no more forgetting.
Here are the likely candidates:
Morning:
-unload dishwasher - almost every day
-cat litter - 2x a week
-garbage collected in the house - 1x week
-garbage cans out to the curb - 1x week
-vacuum kitchen - 3x a week
Evening:-feeding/watering cats - 1x week
-clean cat hair off couches / chair - 1x week
-set table for dinner - every day
Weekend:
-laundry - sort, wash & dry - 1x week
-laundry - fold & put away - 1x week
-dust - 2x a month
-vacuum mudroom, hall and stairs - 1x a week
-vacuum family room - 1x a week
-vacuum upstairs - bedrooms, hallway - 2x month
-scrub toilets (powder room)
-clean bathroom sinks & counters (powder room & kid's) - 1x week
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
DNSN: Day 7
Today went pretty much like the last couple. The kids were really good about everything except cleanliness. No baths/showers; toys, clothes, pillows strewn about the house; dishes piling up. But I think I was right about the steady-state thing. We have gotten bad enough that in order to make any new messes they had to clear some of the old mess just to have room to work.
It is clear that they don’t mind the mess, even if they do notice it. I just don’t think it matters to them either way. We had plenty of fun today, playing Old Maid and Go Fish, and carving pumpkins. There was absolutely no resistance or animosity to the idea of clearing a space for a new project. When they asked, “Can we carve the pumpkins now?” I said, “Sure, as soon as you clear a space to work.” They immediately went to work in a good natured way; no questions, no complaints, no body language that would lead me to believe they thought it was a burden. But there was also no attempt to clean ANYTHING beyond that necessary to work on the next project.
After dinner we went to pick Mom up from the airport after her weekend away. The kids were very excited to see her, but surprisingly, they didn’t have much to say one way or the other about their “challenge week.” Mom and I talked about it a fair amount, but the kids didn’t have much to add. When we got home we had a 30 minute clean-up, complete with a “lesson” on how to load the dishwasher. I was amazed at the lack of resistance. If anything, they seemed excited to learn how to load the dishwasher and even fought a little bit over who got to pour the detergent.
We decided not to spend any time tonight talking about how each of us thought the week went. We plan to do that at a family meeting tomorrow night. It will be very interesting to hear the kid’s perspective on the whole thing!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
DNSN: Day 6
Well, the kids have finally figured out that there is no enforcement of bedtime right now. M told me this morning that he was up until about 10:30 pm reading a new 3-D book he just got from a school fund raiser. I guess if you are going to be up late, that is as good a reason as any. And tonight they asked me point blank at 8:30 pm, “Dad, do we have to go to bed now?” All I could say was, “You don’t HAVE to do anything, but I’m going to bed. Or maybe I’ll just fall asleep here on the couch while I watch some football.” I thought that would be a fate worse than bedtime, but they out-flanked me by deciding it was a good time to call Mom on the phone. In the process of talking to her they managed to sound despondent that she was away, missing her terribly. It was the first time they mentioned her absence all weekend. They also decided that they were sad after watching the movie Desperaux and needed to watch something funny to break the mood. After one episode of some silly sit-com on the Disney channel I headed upstairs to remove my contacts. It was then that they decide to head to bed – that was 9:45 pm, but there are still rumblings as of 10:15 pm.
This morning started with a bit of a revelation. K went to pour a bowl of cereal and said, “Ugh, there is no room on this table!” I said, “I know, I had to push one pile of papers on top of another just to make room for my laptop. It’s a little annoying, isn’t it?” After agreeing, K proceeded to clear a spot on the table just big enough to fit her bowl. Not the huge breakthrough I was hoping for, but recognition nonetheless. Then when K went to get her bowl she found there were none clean. Without saying a word, she opened the dishwasher and put one bowl from the dish train on the top rack, picked out one drinking straw from the train and put it in the bottom silverware tray, added nearly the proper amount of dish detergent and started the dishwasher. Again, not a perfect resolution, but moving in the right direction. (Initially, I was actually afraid she was going to try to get one more use out of that bowl.)
A moment later M came to the table and started to get his own bowl of cereal. He exclaimed, “This milk smells bad!” He brought it over to me for confirmation and I asked if it had been out all night. He said, “No, I got it out of the fridge just now.” Then I asked how long it had been on the counter yesterday. He thought a moment but couldn’t remember. I said, “I can’t say for sure, but I think it was out between breakfast and lunch. If so, that is enough to let it warm up and go sour, even if it does get cooled off again.” He shrugged his shoulders and said, “Oh, I guess we’ll have to have dry cereal today.” It didn’t seem to bother him at all as he poured ¾ of the container down the sink. K decided soy milk was a better alternative than dry cereal. Amazingly, the soy milk made it back into the refrigerator right after the cereal was eaten. I can’t remember if either of their bowls joined the dish train or if they just sat on the table. It’s becoming a bit of a blur.
After breakfast it was time to go to M’s ice skating lesson. K didn’t want to skate. I said she could just watch, but we all needed to go to the rink as a family. M said, “K, you get to wear the figure eight skates.” K said, “Oh, yea. Cool!” And there was no resistance after that. Gotta love kids that know how to pull each other’s levers so I don’t have to! But it wasn’t all smooth; as we were headed out the door K said, “Dad, I don’t have any socks.” I said, “Why not?” Without answering, she ran upstairs and got a pair of socks and put them on while we drove in the car. Like I said, it was not bump-free, but I was pleased with myself that I didn’t take any of the bait that was offered me and was able to refrain from prompting, directing, or nagging.
When we got back from skating it was time for lunch. K said, “I want pizza for lunch.” I said, “You can make anything you want for lunch.” She immediately countered with, “But we make our own lunch all week. Can’t you make it on the home days?” I said, “I’ll make dinner tonight, but you guys can make your own lunches.” There was silence for about 2 minutes, then, “Dad, can you come out with me to the garage and see if we have any frozen mini pizzas?” I smiled and helped her get a package out of the deep freeze. She cooked two batches in the toaster oven, enough for herself and for M. (She did call for M to come to the table four times before he finally came over, but I said nothing.) When M finally did make it to the table he said, “We really need to clean the mess off this table before we can eat.” I said I thought that was a great idea. Again, just enough space was made for a plate and cup, mostly by shoving stuff closer together into the middle of the table. But still, recognition is recognition.
After lunch, M went to a friend’s house for a play date. I watched a little football and napped on the couch while K played on her own. She decided she wanted to paint and even cleared another small spot on the table by herself. Her painting came out great, and almost half of the art supplied found their way back into the art closet! Way to go, K! After an hour or so on her own, K needed some company so we played Twister a while, then broke out her Magic Science kit. The only problem with Magic Science is you need a fairly large, flat surface on which to work. We haven’t had one of those for a week. K simply asked, “Dad, can you help me clean some of this up so we can do the magic?” How could a dad resist that? I let K take the lead, but together we cleaned up almost half of the table. As soon as there was enough space to work, K was done with cleaning and wanted to make some magic. So we did, and at the end of our three experiments we put everything away relating to the kit (I have to admit, I took the lead on this part of the cleaning, but I did so without saying anything – K was an active participant, washing and drying test tubes with a smile).
Since we picked up our science stuff the table was already clear (enough) for dinner. So when M got back from his play date they didn’t have to do anything but get plates and cups out. M even managed to close both garage doors behind himself on his the way in! After dinner, all of the dishes made it onto the back of the sink train. I made a little production out of clearing the lone bowl out of the dishwasher and putting my own stuff into it, but neither kid had any interest in joining me.
All in all, it was a pretty good day. Not much prompting or reminding. Not much cleaning. Maybe we have reached steady-state. I don’t think they can really make much more of a mess without having to clear something in the process. Although, now that I say that, we did bring all the Halloween decorations up from the basement tonight and many items are now littered across the kitchen floor. Maybe it’s a good think Mom is away for the end of this week…
DNSN: Day 5 - A Dad's perspective
Well, Mom skipped town this morning at 10:00 am. She’s off on her annual “Women’s Weekend” in Chicago so it’s Dad-and-the-kids for the duration. We really know how to throw curve ball after curve ball at this already chaotic week, don’t we? At least the painters finished up and we can now get back upstairs without risking paint devastation.
I have to say, there was no yelling or reminding today. At all. The morning went off smoothly, at least from my perspective. It was an easy day since the kids can buy hot pizza at school for lunch on Fridays – that means no lunches to pack. And they were all over it last night before going to bed, asking me if they could have their pizza money in advance so there was no chance in overlooking it in the morning. I think they figured it might be a little crazy with Mom packing for her trip and all. (Gotta love forward thinking kids!) So breakfast was good, snacks and pizza money made it into the lunch bags, and the kids were out of the house well before the bus arrived.
Unfortunately, the dirty dish train continues to grow on the counter next to the sink. But only two water glasses stayed on the table today, and one of the breakfast bowls actually made it all the way into the dish washer, so that is a little improvement over the first part of the week. But we are still batting well below 0.500 when it comes to the dishes. We should be running out of clean stuff tomorrow so it will be interesting to see what solution they come up with. My bet is they will push a chair over to the tall cupboards and start using the adult dishes (we keep the kids dishes in a low cupboard so they can reach them, ours in upper cupboards).
After school was easy today as well. I got out of work early to meet the kids off the bus. They were both excited to see me and had 100 things to tell me in 10 minutes. But they were actually quite good about taking turns talking so I didn’t have to remind them about that. They both remembered that we had a Halloween party to go to for dinner so they were both focused on getting into costumes and heading out. No prompting from me. There was no homework for either of them, so that made things easier. I was asked to help with multiple costume adjustments but both kids were very patient while I helped the other. I think I said, “I’ll help you with that as soon as I’m done with this,” twice. And I said, “Oh, I’m sure you can figure that out without my help,” once. Other than that I sat back and waited until they came to me.
Most surprisingly, when we got home from the party the kids only spent 10 minutes with their goody bags (mostly candy and a few plastic toss-away toys). Then they were upstairs and brushing their teeth. K actually made the first move toward going to bed and asked if M and I would join her. I thought the 5 courses of desert and 2 cups of super-sweet hot chocolate would have just about hit bottom at this point and be sending them both spinning for another hour. I was thinking that since the party did not end until 8 pm, I would be watching the kids slowly melt down around 10 pm. But they were in bed with the lights off by 9 pm. And I didn’t say a word. Go figure.
General Thoughts
The school papers are continuing to accumulate on the table just as fast as the dishes are piling up by the sink. And the papers are leaking over to just about any other flat surface that isn’t already brimming with dishes. I had to shove one pile into another tonight so I could sit down and type this blog entry. It sort of reminds me of being back in college with three messy roommates. At least the kids don’t have girlfriends over to leave their stuff out, too!
Perhaps it’s being male, perhaps it’s just my own individual insensitivity, but all the kid’s clutter doesn’t really get to me. This is a little strange because, left on my own, I am actually a pretty neat person, easily the least cluttered of the family. I have a few personal areas in the house that I keep neat, like my side of the sink in our master bathroom, and my clothes closet area. That is enough for me. The rest I can just push away from my space and coexist with peacefully. So maybe I am just not terribly sensitive. But with all that said, I think our kids are doing great with this whole do nothing, say nothing thing. The person I am really impressed with, though, is Mom – I know how much the mess gets to her and I know it is killing her not to remind/nag/direct.
Maybe it is because I expected that the kids would leave a trail of clutter behind them wherever they go. What kids don’t? I also expected that the daily routine would go smoothly – we have had a very stable morning and evening routine for a long time so I’m not surprised that it has continued on its own. For almost a year the kids have gotten themselves out of bed, brushed their teeth, picked out their own clothes and gotten dressed, gotten breakfast, and packed their own lunches. After school they do their homework before they play, they read out loud to us for 20+ minutes after dinner, and that leads right into the going to bed process. It is not always flawless, nothing with kids ever is, but it has been consistent. So, for me, it is not surprising that momentum alone is carrying them through the daily routine. (And I feel pretty good as a parent that this is the standard we have created.)
I have to say that I am a little surprised that they have not pushed the limits on bedtime. I guess their desire to have Harry Potter read to them is pretty strong. They know that if they don’t get their reading to us done first, and get into their pajamas and get teeth brushed, by 8:00 pm, there will be no Harry Potter. And once the Harry Potter reading is over it is a very natural transition to turn off the lights and go to sleep. And that is pretty much how it has gone. No complaints. The one night that they did not get ready for reading until 8:15 pm we simply said, “Oh, it’s too late tonight. We can try again tomorrow,” and turned out the lights. No resistance. Disappointment, but not resistance.
The only sign of rebellion has been that I have noticed the chit-chat has stretched out a bit this week after the lights go off. We usually give them 10-15 minutes or so to settle in before one of us goes upstairs to their bedroom and has the “If you can’t settle down you’re going to have to sleep in separate bedrooms,” talk. We don’t have to do this all the time, but we probably do it about once a week on average. This week, in the absence of warnings, they have gone as long as 90 minutes before drifting off. Tonight it was only about 20 minutes. Must have been tired.
The biggest thing I was not sure about going into this week was how the non-daily-routine things would go. Things like bathing, weekly chores (we call them “contributions” since we have been working with Vicki Hoefle), and getting ready to leave the house for miscellaneous trips (grocery store, swimming lessons, out to a movie, etc.). I have been happily surprised at how well the latter has gone. Generally speaking, to get moving out of the house this week we have made one announcement, something to the effect of, “We need to leave for the store in 5 minutes; grab whatever you want to take with you and meet me in the car.” At least from my perspective, that’s all it’s taken. I did get a question from K tonight as we left for the Halloween party – “Dad, can I wear my new tap shoes to the party? They go perfectly with my butterfly costume.” Now, personally, I have never seen a tap dancing butterfly, but that was not the point. I simply said, “No. Tap shoes are for dance class. We are not going to dance class. Pick something else.” K replied that the only other shoes she had were her “rainbow” shoes and they clashed with her costume. My response, “Oh, I thought they looked like flower petals that a butterfly could land on to get nectar.” That did the trick and K was in the car, shoes on, before I could find the keys (one of the paper piles had quietly crept over the top of them). So departures from home have been pretty smooth.
Bathing has not happened. Again, they are kids. I’m just happy they wash their hands after using the bathroom and wipe their mouths most nights after they brush their teeth. Not every night, but most. I don’t expect they will take the lead on baths. Well, maybe as soon as a green bean takes root behind one of their ears…
As for contributions (chores), most of them don’t have to be done until the weekend so it will be interesting to see what gets done tomorrow. My guess is, not much. But M surprised us earlier this week by doing the cat litter, garbage, and recycling without prompting. (Of course, he forgot to feed the cats, but 3 out of 4 isn’t bad!) So maybe there is hope for picking up toys, vacuuming, scrubbing toilets, and brushing cat hair off the furniture. But I’m not holding my breath. My plan is to get up and do my own contributions right away. I’m sure the kids will ask me to play with them and I will simply reply, “I’d love to, but I made a rule for myself to get my contributions done before I play. So I need to finish my contributions first.” My guess is this will be too subtle for 6 and 7 yr olds, so I doubt it will spur them into action. But when they ask me if they can have a play date in the afternoon I plan to say, “Sure, as soon as your contributions are done.” I’m prepared for tears.
Holding them to their contributions this weekend may go against the whole idea of do nothing, say nothing, but I am okay with that. They can choose to skip their play dates if they don’t want to do contributions. No skin off my nose. I discussed this with Mom and she has her reservations. But I figure the natural consequence of them being slobs all week is to learn the lesson that a stitch in time saves nine. I don’t know, maybe when the time comes I will think there is something more to learn by not enforcing the contributions than by enforcing them. So I may just let it go and fully embrace the chaos. Perhaps asking them the next day about how they felt about shirking their responsibility will be more enlightening than I think. We’ll have to see.
I have to say, there was no yelling or reminding today. At all. The morning went off smoothly, at least from my perspective. It was an easy day since the kids can buy hot pizza at school for lunch on Fridays – that means no lunches to pack. And they were all over it last night before going to bed, asking me if they could have their pizza money in advance so there was no chance in overlooking it in the morning. I think they figured it might be a little crazy with Mom packing for her trip and all. (Gotta love forward thinking kids!) So breakfast was good, snacks and pizza money made it into the lunch bags, and the kids were out of the house well before the bus arrived.
Unfortunately, the dirty dish train continues to grow on the counter next to the sink. But only two water glasses stayed on the table today, and one of the breakfast bowls actually made it all the way into the dish washer, so that is a little improvement over the first part of the week. But we are still batting well below 0.500 when it comes to the dishes. We should be running out of clean stuff tomorrow so it will be interesting to see what solution they come up with. My bet is they will push a chair over to the tall cupboards and start using the adult dishes (we keep the kids dishes in a low cupboard so they can reach them, ours in upper cupboards).
After school was easy today as well. I got out of work early to meet the kids off the bus. They were both excited to see me and had 100 things to tell me in 10 minutes. But they were actually quite good about taking turns talking so I didn’t have to remind them about that. They both remembered that we had a Halloween party to go to for dinner so they were both focused on getting into costumes and heading out. No prompting from me. There was no homework for either of them, so that made things easier. I was asked to help with multiple costume adjustments but both kids were very patient while I helped the other. I think I said, “I’ll help you with that as soon as I’m done with this,” twice. And I said, “Oh, I’m sure you can figure that out without my help,” once. Other than that I sat back and waited until they came to me.
Most surprisingly, when we got home from the party the kids only spent 10 minutes with their goody bags (mostly candy and a few plastic toss-away toys). Then they were upstairs and brushing their teeth. K actually made the first move toward going to bed and asked if M and I would join her. I thought the 5 courses of desert and 2 cups of super-sweet hot chocolate would have just about hit bottom at this point and be sending them both spinning for another hour. I was thinking that since the party did not end until 8 pm, I would be watching the kids slowly melt down around 10 pm. But they were in bed with the lights off by 9 pm. And I didn’t say a word. Go figure.
General Thoughts
The school papers are continuing to accumulate on the table just as fast as the dishes are piling up by the sink. And the papers are leaking over to just about any other flat surface that isn’t already brimming with dishes. I had to shove one pile into another tonight so I could sit down and type this blog entry. It sort of reminds me of being back in college with three messy roommates. At least the kids don’t have girlfriends over to leave their stuff out, too!
Perhaps it’s being male, perhaps it’s just my own individual insensitivity, but all the kid’s clutter doesn’t really get to me. This is a little strange because, left on my own, I am actually a pretty neat person, easily the least cluttered of the family. I have a few personal areas in the house that I keep neat, like my side of the sink in our master bathroom, and my clothes closet area. That is enough for me. The rest I can just push away from my space and coexist with peacefully. So maybe I am just not terribly sensitive. But with all that said, I think our kids are doing great with this whole do nothing, say nothing thing. The person I am really impressed with, though, is Mom – I know how much the mess gets to her and I know it is killing her not to remind/nag/direct.
Maybe it is because I expected that the kids would leave a trail of clutter behind them wherever they go. What kids don’t? I also expected that the daily routine would go smoothly – we have had a very stable morning and evening routine for a long time so I’m not surprised that it has continued on its own. For almost a year the kids have gotten themselves out of bed, brushed their teeth, picked out their own clothes and gotten dressed, gotten breakfast, and packed their own lunches. After school they do their homework before they play, they read out loud to us for 20+ minutes after dinner, and that leads right into the going to bed process. It is not always flawless, nothing with kids ever is, but it has been consistent. So, for me, it is not surprising that momentum alone is carrying them through the daily routine. (And I feel pretty good as a parent that this is the standard we have created.)
I have to say that I am a little surprised that they have not pushed the limits on bedtime. I guess their desire to have Harry Potter read to them is pretty strong. They know that if they don’t get their reading to us done first, and get into their pajamas and get teeth brushed, by 8:00 pm, there will be no Harry Potter. And once the Harry Potter reading is over it is a very natural transition to turn off the lights and go to sleep. And that is pretty much how it has gone. No complaints. The one night that they did not get ready for reading until 8:15 pm we simply said, “Oh, it’s too late tonight. We can try again tomorrow,” and turned out the lights. No resistance. Disappointment, but not resistance.
The only sign of rebellion has been that I have noticed the chit-chat has stretched out a bit this week after the lights go off. We usually give them 10-15 minutes or so to settle in before one of us goes upstairs to their bedroom and has the “If you can’t settle down you’re going to have to sleep in separate bedrooms,” talk. We don’t have to do this all the time, but we probably do it about once a week on average. This week, in the absence of warnings, they have gone as long as 90 minutes before drifting off. Tonight it was only about 20 minutes. Must have been tired.
The biggest thing I was not sure about going into this week was how the non-daily-routine things would go. Things like bathing, weekly chores (we call them “contributions” since we have been working with Vicki Hoefle), and getting ready to leave the house for miscellaneous trips (grocery store, swimming lessons, out to a movie, etc.). I have been happily surprised at how well the latter has gone. Generally speaking, to get moving out of the house this week we have made one announcement, something to the effect of, “We need to leave for the store in 5 minutes; grab whatever you want to take with you and meet me in the car.” At least from my perspective, that’s all it’s taken. I did get a question from K tonight as we left for the Halloween party – “Dad, can I wear my new tap shoes to the party? They go perfectly with my butterfly costume.” Now, personally, I have never seen a tap dancing butterfly, but that was not the point. I simply said, “No. Tap shoes are for dance class. We are not going to dance class. Pick something else.” K replied that the only other shoes she had were her “rainbow” shoes and they clashed with her costume. My response, “Oh, I thought they looked like flower petals that a butterfly could land on to get nectar.” That did the trick and K was in the car, shoes on, before I could find the keys (one of the paper piles had quietly crept over the top of them). So departures from home have been pretty smooth.
Bathing has not happened. Again, they are kids. I’m just happy they wash their hands after using the bathroom and wipe their mouths most nights after they brush their teeth. Not every night, but most. I don’t expect they will take the lead on baths. Well, maybe as soon as a green bean takes root behind one of their ears…
As for contributions (chores), most of them don’t have to be done until the weekend so it will be interesting to see what gets done tomorrow. My guess is, not much. But M surprised us earlier this week by doing the cat litter, garbage, and recycling without prompting. (Of course, he forgot to feed the cats, but 3 out of 4 isn’t bad!) So maybe there is hope for picking up toys, vacuuming, scrubbing toilets, and brushing cat hair off the furniture. But I’m not holding my breath. My plan is to get up and do my own contributions right away. I’m sure the kids will ask me to play with them and I will simply reply, “I’d love to, but I made a rule for myself to get my contributions done before I play. So I need to finish my contributions first.” My guess is this will be too subtle for 6 and 7 yr olds, so I doubt it will spur them into action. But when they ask me if they can have a play date in the afternoon I plan to say, “Sure, as soon as your contributions are done.” I’m prepared for tears.
Holding them to their contributions this weekend may go against the whole idea of do nothing, say nothing, but I am okay with that. They can choose to skip their play dates if they don’t want to do contributions. No skin off my nose. I discussed this with Mom and she has her reservations. But I figure the natural consequence of them being slobs all week is to learn the lesson that a stitch in time saves nine. I don’t know, maybe when the time comes I will think there is something more to learn by not enforcing the contributions than by enforcing them. So I may just let it go and fully embrace the chaos. Perhaps asking them the next day about how they felt about shirking their responsibility will be more enlightening than I think. We’ll have to see.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
DNSN: Day 3 & 4
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| Ahhhh, yes. Our table. Filled with all the essentials for an eating area. K's leftover dessert (white choc chips, sprinkles and the last teaspoon of ice cream -- you can see the choc chips bag, the sprinkle container and the top of the now empty ice cream container were left out too). The book M read tonight for homework. The rest of his homework due tomorrow and both K's and M's school papers from the week. K's lunch pail, the pencil sharpener and a few other bits that make this just a lovely place to eat. OH -- WAIT A MINUTE! HOLY COW! It took taking a picture to notice, but one of the kid's managed to get K's cereal bowl and the cereal box off the table. Cereal made it into the proper spot -- bowl is in the dish train by the sink. But, hey, both items sat on the table ALL day -- and for some reason one of them decided to take care of it. |
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| The 'dish train'. A few of the kids' dishes have made it into the dishwasher. A very few. |
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| Ugh. One of the many pillows leftover from Monday morning's game. Still in the kitchen. The others aren't quite back where they belong yet either. |
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| In fairness, the kids complained about not being able to put their backpacks in the mudroom -- we are having painting done. Great timing, eh? You can see I've also given up -- paint samples, swatches, etc out number the kids junk in this photo. Just keeping myself honest here. |
A picture is worth a thousand words --> DNSN chaos + unexpected painting chaos = yuck.
As if we didn't have enough chaos going on this week, at the last minute (i.e., yesterday) our painter asked if he could come in early -- meaning today. I was happy to have the job done sooner -- but hadn't yet finalized the paint color and other logistics -- so we are adding all sorts of challenges to our DNSN week -- just trying to keep this experiment as real as possible. I'd like to say that this chaos led / contributed to a bit of a breakdown today -- a small bit of yelling. K for her hen pecking me in the middle of painter noise/chaos while M was struggling/crying over his homework. In fairness to myself, I had asked her to give me a few minutes with M -- but she was outta her head excited about her 1st ever dance class today -- she really just wanted to share / chatter happily with me. Then it all got to us again later as we couldn't avoid reminding the kids NOT to touch the wet paint -- which is honestly hard for me to remember too. But, by the 3rd time it was a pretty stern reminder -- boy, do I hate the feeling when either of us cross the line -- when I know, when I can see the price the kids are paying. Need to find a strategy in those stressful life situations -- no, it isn't life or death situation -- but what to do / say to the kids when the consequence of their actions is going to create extra work or pain for others, besides us -- or what the hell, why not when it creates more work for us too? There has to be something better than what we are doing. Have to think on that.
Kids did great w/the morning routine both days - up and out to the bus early. M came home and started on his homework both days -- but today he had a lot of it and he really wanted to play w/a friend. T was headed home early to be w/M while I took K to dance class. Between that and homework M realized he wasn't going to have the time for a playdate and then the tears came. The painter's noise didn't help the whole situation -- and M actually asked them to please be quiet he was trying to do his homework. I was proud of him again for looking out for himself -- and standing up to stranger-adults! Need to tell him that I noticed and appreciated that he was looking out for himself. Funny how many appreciations I can think despite the fact that the week feels so crazy.
I'm feeling guilty -- I leave tomorrow for a weekend trip to Chicago w/my cousins-in-law and sisters-in-law. T will have to get through the last 2.5 days without me. I'm looking forward to reflecting together on what we've all learned. I'm curious to see if the mess will get to the kids by Sunday.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
DNSN: Day 2
The good:
1-4) Kids got up, got themselves breakfast, lunches and out to the bus very early. Yeah!
5) It was garbage day -- M's normal contribution is to scoop the cat litter and take the can/s out. I didn't expect him to remember or to do it w/o a reminder. T asked me "since it's garbage day, should we throw out this old fish in the frig?" (this was not staged). M overheard the exchange and right away got to the litter. He then said he was going to roll out the garbage. It was recycle day -- and usually I roll out one bin and M rolls out the other. M rolled out both on his own and then came to report back - "I'm growing up -- I did the garbage without being reminded, Dad". Yeah!
6) For the most part, dirty dishes are being moved from the table to the sink area. Yeah!
7) M had a friend come over after school. Per our agreement (his idea, not ours) he intends to complete written homework before anyone comes over. Well, he didn't get it done in time -- but -- he removed himself to his bedroom so that he could finish before he allowed himself to play. He had asked for my help and was clearly a bit frustrated with the noise level of his friend -- told his friend that if he wasn't quiet that he'd have to go home. M got a bit frustrated w/the work and was less focused -- but he did it and I did a fair job of not getting overly involved. Yeah!
8) The artful table cloth of kids papers continues -- but when I set my plate down on one of K's she said, "I will move that for you mom". She then put all the papers and misc toys and garbage on one of the chairs. Yeah -- a place to eat!
9) When asked what they wanted to do after dinner, both kids asked to read. M read for over 30 min -- he was at an exciting part in his book and didn't want to stop. Yeah!
10) Both kids went to bed right after we read to them. Yeah!
Wish it could have been better:
1) I noticed as soon as the kids left that the cats were completely out of food. This is M's contribution -- and since we have a self feeder that only gets filled up every 2 wks or so he generally doesn't notice until we remind him. Ugh. Hungry kitties is not something I will suffer all day. I got them a can of food with the intention of hiding the evidence before M got home. Once M came home we were both near the cat food and I couldn't help myself. I shook the feeder -- hoping that the lack of sound of food dropping or shifting would clue M in. It didn't. I kicked the feeder to make some more noise. Repeatedly. (I know I'm waaaay crossing the line). That didn't work either. I let it go -- for a few minutes anyways. I then said I thought we might need to get rid of the cats. I know, I know. Not only can I not resist shutting my trap, but I add threats. M immediately responded -- he knew he missed something. I asked him what would help him remember -- same answer as always -- "I don't know." Hmmm....maybe not having your mother interfere and let the hungry cats remind you?
2) Dirty dishes stacking up. All common dishes and T and my dirty dishes are loaded as soon as we are done using them. The kids have a train of dishes on the counter near the sink. I announced to T that I was going to run the dishes and that he should make sure he got his plate in (yes, the announcement was not for T, but for the kids). They clued in enough to get their dessert dishes in, but the dirty dish train remains. I'm amazed how they don't notice that every dish is taken care of except for theirs.
Observations:
It seems I steel myself for the morning routine not to say anything -- and honestly, the kids are doing great at getting themselves up and out in plenty of time. I do notice that they are NOT turning on the tv and they are really watching the clock. This will definitely be an observation I share with them on Sunday. So morning seems to be ok -- and not a time when I need to / do a lot of reminding. Afternoon is another story. I plan to use some tape today, see if that helps some. I'm again noticing how much I really do -- picking up or taking care of little things that visually get in my way. T sad something really interesting to me yesterday, "You are assuming that all the clutter is a problem for them. I don’t think it is. It is only a problem for them when it affects their relationship with you. Maybe it could be a problem for them when they go to look for something later, but “later” for kids does not really register, so I’d bet it will be quite some time before they clue in." Ahhh, yes, mommy director, you make it their problem at the cost of the relationship. It either needs to become their problem or I need to get much better at not having it bother me.
Still REALLY good to see the good far out numbers the could do better. And I can and do totally give credit to the kids, not me or T.
1-4) Kids got up, got themselves breakfast, lunches and out to the bus very early. Yeah!
5) It was garbage day -- M's normal contribution is to scoop the cat litter and take the can/s out. I didn't expect him to remember or to do it w/o a reminder. T asked me "since it's garbage day, should we throw out this old fish in the frig?" (this was not staged). M overheard the exchange and right away got to the litter. He then said he was going to roll out the garbage. It was recycle day -- and usually I roll out one bin and M rolls out the other. M rolled out both on his own and then came to report back - "I'm growing up -- I did the garbage without being reminded, Dad". Yeah!
6) For the most part, dirty dishes are being moved from the table to the sink area. Yeah!
7) M had a friend come over after school. Per our agreement (his idea, not ours) he intends to complete written homework before anyone comes over. Well, he didn't get it done in time -- but -- he removed himself to his bedroom so that he could finish before he allowed himself to play. He had asked for my help and was clearly a bit frustrated with the noise level of his friend -- told his friend that if he wasn't quiet that he'd have to go home. M got a bit frustrated w/the work and was less focused -- but he did it and I did a fair job of not getting overly involved. Yeah!
8) The artful table cloth of kids papers continues -- but when I set my plate down on one of K's she said, "I will move that for you mom". She then put all the papers and misc toys and garbage on one of the chairs. Yeah -- a place to eat!
9) When asked what they wanted to do after dinner, both kids asked to read. M read for over 30 min -- he was at an exciting part in his book and didn't want to stop. Yeah!
10) Both kids went to bed right after we read to them. Yeah!
Wish it could have been better:
1) I noticed as soon as the kids left that the cats were completely out of food. This is M's contribution -- and since we have a self feeder that only gets filled up every 2 wks or so he generally doesn't notice until we remind him. Ugh. Hungry kitties is not something I will suffer all day. I got them a can of food with the intention of hiding the evidence before M got home. Once M came home we were both near the cat food and I couldn't help myself. I shook the feeder -- hoping that the lack of sound of food dropping or shifting would clue M in. It didn't. I kicked the feeder to make some more noise. Repeatedly. (I know I'm waaaay crossing the line). That didn't work either. I let it go -- for a few minutes anyways. I then said I thought we might need to get rid of the cats. I know, I know. Not only can I not resist shutting my trap, but I add threats. M immediately responded -- he knew he missed something. I asked him what would help him remember -- same answer as always -- "I don't know." Hmmm....maybe not having your mother interfere and let the hungry cats remind you?
2) Dirty dishes stacking up. All common dishes and T and my dirty dishes are loaded as soon as we are done using them. The kids have a train of dishes on the counter near the sink. I announced to T that I was going to run the dishes and that he should make sure he got his plate in (yes, the announcement was not for T, but for the kids). They clued in enough to get their dessert dishes in, but the dirty dish train remains. I'm amazed how they don't notice that every dish is taken care of except for theirs.
Observations:
It seems I steel myself for the morning routine not to say anything -- and honestly, the kids are doing great at getting themselves up and out in plenty of time. I do notice that they are NOT turning on the tv and they are really watching the clock. This will definitely be an observation I share with them on Sunday. So morning seems to be ok -- and not a time when I need to / do a lot of reminding. Afternoon is another story. I plan to use some tape today, see if that helps some. I'm again noticing how much I really do -- picking up or taking care of little things that visually get in my way. T sad something really interesting to me yesterday, "You are assuming that all the clutter is a problem for them. I don’t think it is. It is only a problem for them when it affects their relationship with you. Maybe it could be a problem for them when they go to look for something later, but “later” for kids does not really register, so I’d bet it will be quite some time before they clue in." Ahhh, yes, mommy director, you make it their problem at the cost of the relationship. It either needs to become their problem or I need to get much better at not having it bother me.
Still REALLY good to see the good far out numbers the could do better. And I can and do totally give credit to the kids, not me or T.
Monday, October 18, 2010
DNSN: Day 1
Went downstairs with the surgical tape on my mouth this morning -- more as a demonstration to the kids that I was NOT going to be reminding them about things today. They laughed and asked me about it. They wasted no time in reporting to me that they had everything done (breakfast and lunch). I noticed only one bowl -- so I think that means only one of them ate cereal. The bowl and spoon are still sitting on the counter now. M asked if I was going to wear the tape out to the bus stop. I said I would if he wanted me too. Guess 7.5 is when your parents could start to embarrass and he asked me not to. I heard them both watching the clock closely -- M in particulary, announcing the time periodically. No problem getting out in plenty of time this morning. They did leave 6 pillows and various other toys in the middle of the kitchen floor. I had to step over them all day -- bugged me! I didn't think I did that much for them -- but this is a clear example of something that I probably would've at least pushed out of my way. I resisted so well all day, but when dinner came I had to step over them every time to the table. I couldn't help it -- I was going crazy -- so as I stepped over them with food stuff in my hands I said "Geez, I hope I don't spill anything on these pillows. It would ruin them and then some one would have to buy new ones and that won't be me." Really, my resolve gets tested on the 1st day with pillows in the kitchen? K did jump up and moved them immediately. Not sure how I could deal w/that all week long. They aren't all quite put away -- but I'm ok w/that.
M came right in after school and did his homework and unloaded his backpack. I looked at his homework and asked him to tell me about it. It was math and he tends to write pretty sloppy. I know his teacher would be mentioning that he needs to write more clearly in one section (it truly was NOT intelligible). I mentioned that I had a hard time understanding what he had written -- and that it might just be me -- and maybe Mrs. J will be able to understand it. It was an improvement over my normal 'help' with his homework -- I'm generally more directive. Not sure I hit the mark though -- especially not for DNSN week. But at least I'm trying something different than what I have done previously.
M had Cub Scouts tonight that T (Dad) takes him too. They were doing something sloppy and T called on his way home to remind M to change into sloppy clothes. Ugh. Reminder. Then T got home and reminded again - "are you really going to wear that to paint in?". At least T let him pick out the clothes -- which were not really sloppy -- but T let it slide.
I cleaned up T and my dishes and dinner pans and leftovers. M got his dishes to the counter, to keep the breakfast bowl company. K's dish and cup (still half full) remains on the table keeping the kids' school papers company. Oh, which reminds me, when I sat down to eat I pushed their papers over towards them so I could have a space to eat and M started to push them back towards me. I told him I needed a place to eat. I think I may have also slipped in a comment about hoping the papers don't get food on them. K helped to push the papers back to make room for me again. I had a tremendous urge at one point to purposefully spill water on them, but realized that passive aggressiveness would get none of us anywhere. Just breathe and ignore. Papers all still there.
K and I just hung out. I made cookies. I asked her what she wanted to do -- she said she wanted to watch tv. After awhile I asked again - but she said she just wanted to watch tv.
M came home and T asked what he wanted to do and he said he wanted to do his reading (part of his homework is to read at least 20 min every night). No prompting from T -- yeah for both of them! K really wanted me to read Harry Potter to them once M was done -- but we ran out of time -- we have a 8:20 cut off for all reading. I purposefully did not mention anything about it being bedtime -- I just said we were out of time for reading. Kids put themselves to bed. So far, so good on NOT recognizing that they could push the limits here and stay up.
Not bad for the 1st day. Need to get more tolerant of the 'hot' areas for me -- kitchen, particularly kitchen floor and table. I'll try hard not to move anything or mention the concern about items tomorrow. Maybe I'll just imagine those papers as a artful new tablecloth? Gotta reframe it somehow for myself -- before the week is out it is sure to be several layers deep.
I'm sure I'm going to wish I didn't work from home this week. I'm might need to temporarily take refuge and relocate my work space to our bedroom.
M came right in after school and did his homework and unloaded his backpack. I looked at his homework and asked him to tell me about it. It was math and he tends to write pretty sloppy. I know his teacher would be mentioning that he needs to write more clearly in one section (it truly was NOT intelligible). I mentioned that I had a hard time understanding what he had written -- and that it might just be me -- and maybe Mrs. J will be able to understand it. It was an improvement over my normal 'help' with his homework -- I'm generally more directive. Not sure I hit the mark though -- especially not for DNSN week. But at least I'm trying something different than what I have done previously.
M had Cub Scouts tonight that T (Dad) takes him too. They were doing something sloppy and T called on his way home to remind M to change into sloppy clothes. Ugh. Reminder. Then T got home and reminded again - "are you really going to wear that to paint in?". At least T let him pick out the clothes -- which were not really sloppy -- but T let it slide.
I cleaned up T and my dishes and dinner pans and leftovers. M got his dishes to the counter, to keep the breakfast bowl company. K's dish and cup (still half full) remains on the table keeping the kids' school papers company. Oh, which reminds me, when I sat down to eat I pushed their papers over towards them so I could have a space to eat and M started to push them back towards me. I told him I needed a place to eat. I think I may have also slipped in a comment about hoping the papers don't get food on them. K helped to push the papers back to make room for me again. I had a tremendous urge at one point to purposefully spill water on them, but realized that passive aggressiveness would get none of us anywhere. Just breathe and ignore. Papers all still there.
K and I just hung out. I made cookies. I asked her what she wanted to do -- she said she wanted to watch tv. After awhile I asked again - but she said she just wanted to watch tv.
M came home and T asked what he wanted to do and he said he wanted to do his reading (part of his homework is to read at least 20 min every night). No prompting from T -- yeah for both of them! K really wanted me to read Harry Potter to them once M was done -- but we ran out of time -- we have a 8:20 cut off for all reading. I purposefully did not mention anything about it being bedtime -- I just said we were out of time for reading. Kids put themselves to bed. So far, so good on NOT recognizing that they could push the limits here and stay up.
Not bad for the 1st day. Need to get more tolerant of the 'hot' areas for me -- kitchen, particularly kitchen floor and table. I'll try hard not to move anything or mention the concern about items tomorrow. Maybe I'll just imagine those papers as a artful new tablecloth? Gotta reframe it somehow for myself -- before the week is out it is sure to be several layers deep.
I'm sure I'm going to wish I didn't work from home this week. I'm might need to temporarily take refuge and relocate my work space to our bedroom.
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